I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
