Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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