i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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