new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
