Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
