I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
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