My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
