What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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