Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
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