There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
