I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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