I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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