He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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