yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
