i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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