you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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