you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
