Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
