the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
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