normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
