Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
