I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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