Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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