Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
