3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
