If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
