absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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