are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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