Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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