last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
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