I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize