i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
