I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Randomize
