Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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