If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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