Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
