My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You are the jesus of drinking
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
