sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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