I puked a lego.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
