There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
