Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize