tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
