So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
