Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize