I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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