Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
