The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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