Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
