I cannot find my penis.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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