i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
