if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
