so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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