I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
