I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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