In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
