Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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