Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
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