I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
